lehh’s Neighborhood

I was fed up. I couldn't stand them anymore. Sometimes it takes all of my willpower to hold back the number of cuss words and rude gestures that I have learned in high school and college.

So when there was an opening, I took the chance and seized it.

Because going out by myself into the terrifying unknown is better than to stay in the safe yet emotionally draining environment.

Am I afraid? Very.

But do I regret my actions? No way.

Sometimes, you have to make decisions and stick to it. Even if it means losing the familairity of bright shiny faces and eternal routines. It's the only way that you can prove to yourself that you're actually living and not just existing.

Hopefully I can sing "My Way" at the end of my days without somebody telling me to shut the hell up.

i have lost my voice.

and i do mean it literally.

sore throat+cough+teaching+stress+self-destructive desires = mute

the world is probably ending because for once, i can't talk.haha.

For a while now, I've been seriously considering a change of scene in terms of my work.

i'm just sooooo frigging tired of teaching right now.

the only good thing is, its the kids or the teaching task itself. its the co-workers and the system that drags me and my mates down.

just don't be surprised when i'm not teaching anymore next year.

and so it begins.

in my fierce desire to prove and justify myself, i have decided to conduct a social experiment regarding my friends annoying habit (please refer to "my stupid mouth" post).

trial one

our group has this habit of waiting for each other and staying in the school premises hours after our respective classes, just to hang out by one of those metal waiting benches that dot the school's "shoreline". as the usual banter beagn, i saw my chance. i shut my trap and only gave minimal responses and just well, smiled a lot. i think one of the lab rats kind of noticed, for she kept on looking why i was particularly not talking that afternoon.

and so they talked for thirty minutes. i never opened a topic and i didn't do the usual "let's go home" comment.

guess what?

they didn't say anything about having to wait for anybody to shut up.

guess that only applies to me huh?

bah.

trial two

same setting, diffrent day. only this time, A and i came down from the faculty room a little earlier, and we even had another friend R with us. then came F and L. I was just saying something to R, just commenting on how tired we looked and all, and F suddnely makes this comment, "'lika na, magkukwento na naman si ree (Let's go home, ree may start yakking again)" in a low voice which I HEARD.

s**t.

target locked. nice one F.

i was determined now, more than ever, to push thru with my lab rats.

trial three

a while ago. same setting.
L talked. A talked. F talked. I mumbled. L said let's go. F and the rest didn't say anything.

i'm starting to think of formulating a theory here.

i have to gather more data.

one for them, and one for my craziness.

My stupid mouth has got me in trouble
I said too much again

I've had enough. I'm so sick and tired of people pointing out how i talk too much. I just don't get why they see it that way. I mean, we sit down, we eat, and we have conversation. A conversation! Which means a two-way-you-share-I-share-communication activity. And suddenly everytime I try to end it and say I gotta go, or that it's getting late, they will all roll their eyes, laugh, and point out in a not-so-subtle manner that they were just waiting for me to shut up.

Oh, it's another social casualty
Score one more for me

Sure, I talk a lot. That is a given. Ask anyone. But it isn't really nice to have that slapped on your face like a wet rubber sole every single damn time. It's not even remotely funny. Besides, it's not like I'm the only one who talks in the group. So it sucks that they lay all the blame on me.

 
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery

Seriously, I'm thinking of reverting to my PCHS mode. That one year in my life where people actually wrote "silent worker" in my evaluation sheet. Perhaps doing so will stop all these hurtful smiles they give me. I hate having to pretend that I find their comments funny and alright, when deep inside I feel like I'm being done an injustice.

Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now

So here's to my friends at work. May they enjoy the silent side of me that they have never experienced.

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard

My old friends know how much of a babble mouth I am. Heck, I even have a blog! But at least they never made me feel foolish about what I've talked about. To be honest, I love people who take the time to listen to my unceasing inner mumblings, put up with my crap, and doesn't make me feel like all those things I've shared with them just wasted their time. I have this mind list of all those people I'm going to give a share to after I win in the lottery, just for listening and putting up with me.

I thought they accepted me..

Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

So from now on, no more incessant talk that doesn't concern them. No more mention of family and friend ancedotes that warm my heart. I thought that by sharing my experiences, they will better understand who I am as a person.

Looks like all they can hear are the noise I make and the ticking of their watches.

I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me

I'll just do all the talking here.

Starting now...starting now.

*Lyrics by John Mayer, one of my favorite artists..

Long time no blog.

On June 6, a brand new year will commence. I have major apprehensions about it, particularly for the many unknowns that can occur within the year. But as I have never been the type to run away from problems, I force a smile in my face and a bounce in my step.

So let's see, how about a review of my previous teaching stints?

FIRST YEAR: Filipino-Chinese School (and vice-versa, depending on your allegiance)
    Let me just say that it was eye-opening and alarming. For the first time, I realized that people need not look at the government officials for an over-dramatized political ordeal -- a teacher's faculty room is a far more accessible place for that. This is also the first time I lost it and cried in front of the class (a mistake, I know), but I am only human, and I vowed never to do again (please refer to second year to see if I accomplished this promise). In the end, I planned to resign during second quarter, and just plodded along, pretending I'm happy before dropping the bombshell to my department head. I wanted out. And so I did, and started to search for other options. NOTE: This is also the place where, for the first time, I was actually labeled as "silent worker" and "quiet and smart"...OMG...what the --?

SECOND YEAR: Private Catholic Agustinian School
I consider this year as both good and bad.
Good: I had myself a nice batch of friends, the school is near my home (thereby giving me much more shut-eye), I didn't have any major boo-boos, and I actually wanted to get rehired.
Bad: I got stuck teaching Language(BORING!),became a Kinder 2 teacher (and sucked at it); and cried at my class again (this time at the back of the room out of sheer frustration and self-pity).

Note: The good thing is, no one has ever seen me cry, and I still appear teacher-ish to my colleagues. When they will discover my flaws, I don't know.

THIRD YEAR: Same Private Catholic Agustinian School
This one has to be the most challenging year yet. Geez, I'm handling Fifth Grade Reading and a still unknown school club ( a "golf club", maybe?)

The last year has been both taxing, enjoyable and sad. I will not delve into all of it, but I think I can sum it up in just one word-- NORMAL.

Here's to hoping that I'll still live this year out to blog about it.

A chuil!

Who was your first celebrity crush?
Submitted by Glory.

I've had a lot of celebrity hunks pass my way, but the first guy to ever make me feel so fan-girlish was Jerry O' Connell. He starred in the sci-fi show Sliders way back then, and he was so gorgeous for me, with his dashing smile and his blue eyes (this soft spot only manifested itself again when I saw Kimi Raikkonen in Formula One). I even scoured posters for his face, as he wasn't very famous like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. Still, I appreciated the fact that he wasn't well known, so it made me feel like he was all mine to ogle over...*rolls eyes at self*

Ah, the sweet joys of teenhood.

I can say that I outgrew the fan-girl behavior. No more posters on the wall, and no more stacks of magazine cutouts on my drawer. I just keep three hot pictures of my fave celebs now, just to rest and relax my eyes, if only for moments. I mean, who can blame me? They're hot and they're walking in broad daylight! ; )

 

 

Isn't it amazing how a few choice words can make you feel like a total waste of time?

Thanks very much Mr. Newton, I feel so very happy now.

I guess I just never thought that YOU SUCK can be spelled in other, subtler ways.

Ah, a learning moment.

Sometimes it's hard to believe in anything anymore, when all that little that you've clenched in your tiny fist is being wrenched away from you.

And it bothers me how I can dwell on this things when the world has bigger issues to resolve.

It makes me wonder what angle I'll form when I finally hit the pavement.

Hope it's dramatic.

Today I turned 23.

I'm starting to look ancient.

I need to order another year's supply of happy pills.

Cheers for the birthday girl!

To say that it has been quite a while is a total understatement.

Life has been quite busy for me, what with the PAASCU mayhem involved

Yep, it just concluded this afternoon. What happened, you might ask?

...

Nothing. Yup, nothing.

I didn't get observed in any of my classes. I didn't even get ambush interviewed by the accreditors. So there.

Three freaking days of hardwork and stress for nothing. I even skipped my Master's just so I could actually prepare.  

Some say we were lucky (there were many of us who were practically ignored). A part of me agrees, with me thinking that I don't even want to be a part of this whole pretense of being "a community of friends" (a total crap). However, it is still partly disheartening to know that nobody even glimpsed at your visuals nor your lesson plan. So yeah, I'm bummed.

On a lighter, trivial note, I've been bugging Ana and now Norman (co-teachers) to watch Supernatural and Heroes, as they are totally clueless of some of the greatest series nowadays. I've been offering them my DVD's hoping against hope that somebody will actually take interest, putting my seemingly pointless telling of the series' plots to an end. Heck, I did it so I can actually talk about the series with somebody else beside myself and my brother (who loves Heroes). It kind of worked, Norman now wants to borrow Heroes, and Ana has my Supernatural DVD (she likes Jensen Ackles.)

Now, I am soooooooooo fatigued, but here i am spending some of my precious waking moments in front of the pc.

The old habit of burning myself out just never dies.